My name is Emily. I am a 24 year old, white, demigirl, pansexual woman from Canada currently living in Colorado with my husband. I have been living in the USA for 4 years now. I smoke weed every day and rarely drink. I have divorced parents, lots of step family, asthma, and undiagnosed anxiety, depression, and probably BPD. I have self-harmed quite a bit, but have since developed better skills to cope. I am a cam girl and amateur porn actress.
I’ve been practicing witchcraft since June 2015
My Spiritual Journey So Far
I was raised in the Seventh-day Adventist church and had been a Christian for the first 20ish years of my life. I lived in a violent home until my parents got divorced when I was 12. I attended and Adventist highschool and was baptized in grade 12. In 2011 I moved to the USA and went to an Adventist college, where I met a theology student that I made the mistake of falling in love with. Within two weeks we were engaged and we spent the following two years wrapped up in a super dysfunctional and weird relationship. By the time we broke up I was completely unaware of who or what I was. As horrible as that experience was, I am grateful for it. It initiated a kind of “personality reboot.” During the first year after the breakup I had a lot of time to actually get to know myself and I discovered that I fucking hate Christianity and I didn’t want anything to do with it or God. I rejected the notion that the Hebrew God is real and expects me to earn my way into heaven with rules that made NO sense to me (I found it difficult to be Christian and queer at the same time). But I accepted the notion that there is SOMETHING outside of myself and beyond true understanding that exists.So, naturally, the first thing I did when I accepted both of these ideas, was cast my virginity into the wind (yeah… I told you it was a weird relationship) until I met my current partner. Around the time that I moved in with him I began exploring various spiritual paths. I’m a very spiritual person and I basically just dumped by entire spirituality in the trash and it was a bit unsettling and strange. I went through Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Wicca. And although I rejected Wicca as well, it was through Wicca that I found witchcraft. And now here I am. A good Adventist girl turned witch sex worker. And my life has literally never been better.
I put a lot of personal information in here because I think I’ve had a lot of things happen to me that other people, especially people younger than me, can relate to and I want my followers to feel safe asking me for help or just talking to me. I’m intentionally an open person for this reason. I am VERY ok with being asked personal questions by those seeking help, ESPECIALLY if you’re in the process of leaving Adventism.
UPDATE JUNE 2016
physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse from family members is mentioned.
Homophobia is mentioned
Mental health issues are mentioned (depression, anxiety, OCD, BPD, PTSD, and RTS (Religious Trauma Syndrome))
voluntary child/parent separation is also mentioned.
I talk about exiting a cult-like community
And I talk a lot about that thing that happens when a child becomes a parent to their parent.
TLDR; my childhood was corrupted by weirdo, culty Christians that resulted in me developing lots of mental health issues and I’m mad at my mum for doing that to me, so she’s no longer a part of my life.
Last week I came out to my mum as queer. It went pretty poorly. Her very first response was “is that why you’ve turned your back on God?” I told her that her treatment of and speech about the LGBT community has negatively impacted me and how it hurt me and she dismissed that to move on to asking me “how do you feel about the way you are?” Which, if any of you are familiar with fundamentalist Christians, you know this is an extremely loaded, dishonest, and dangerous question to answer… That entire conversation hurt a lot.
I stopped talking to her for several days.
I told her she’s no longer welcome in my life
For some context, I was raised in and fully immersed in the Seventh-day Adventist Church. I was a hardcore SDA. Read my Bible every day, prayed every day, went to church every Sabbath, kept all the SDA rules and shit… I was even engaged to a theology major for two years (that’s a whole other story that’s more about how I ended up leaving the church). My mum and my brother are hardcore dedicated to their church.
I, obviously, am not. I left the church 3 years ago and am now an atheist witch (not to mention sex worker). I clearly keep a lot of secrets from my family, something I’m not comfortable with, and I’m trying to live my life honestly and openly.
I still talk to and have a good relationship with my dad. He knows I’m queer and he knows I’m atheist. My parents are divorced and he left the church when I was 14. he’s supportive of my decision to cut my mum out and having my dad on my side is a really big plus for me.
None of my family knows I’m a sex worker. We haven’t even gotten to that part yet, but if my mum is going to be so awful about my being queer, I don’t need to tell her anything else and I don’t need her in my life.
It’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I wish I didn’t have to. I love my mum, it was just me and her from the time I was 12 until basically when I moved in with my husband two years ago, but her presence in my life is destructive. Her parents and my dad were all extremely abusive to her**. I was one of her secondary emotional care takers for as long as I can remember until she left my dad and I became her primary caretaker until I was about 19, when her new husband took over. My mum has suffered from depression and anxiety as well as a few forms of OCD (more the obsessive part than the compulsive part) as well as BPD. She needed a lot of care. Unfortunately, ones teenage daughter is not the best candidate for that role. I’ve caused a lot of damage to myself while trying to keep her safe and happy. That is no longer allowed to happen.
**”How can you have a healthy relationship with your abusive father, but not your victim mother?!” you ask? My dad has his own history of abuse and mental illness and the main difference between him and my mum is that when they broke up, he grew up. My dad abused the fuck out of my entire family. And he’s recognized it, acknowledged it, and worked to change himself into a person that doesn’t beat his wife or emotionally manipulate his children and is now happily and healthfully married to a women he respects and honours and is a better Dad to her kids than he ever was to us and (as far as I know) we’re all at peace with it. At least I am. My step siblings lost their father to cancer when they were 7 and my Dad came into their lives as a healthy and non-abusive person when they were in highschool and they’re better for it (at least I think so). In other words, my entire family is FUCKED up (both my parents had SDA pastors for fathers) and my dad is one of the only people in my family to be like “hey i’m not contributing to this any more.” (I’d also like to point out that my dad started to become a better person around the time that he completely let go of adventism). I have an immense amount of pride in my father. But please understand that if he hadn’t gone through that period of growth and was still the same angry, terrifying monster from my childhood, I would not be in his life either. I love my father because he rid my life of the monster that plagued my childhood and as someone who is currently in the midst of a lot of healing from abuse, having someone in my life who has gone through that process as well and dealt with a lot of things a lot more intense than I have, is very useful and comforting.
My husband has been extremely supportive and helpful but he’s pretty much my entire support group (besides my dad, who doesn’t even live in the same country as me) and sometimes it’s kind of isolating. If you don’t know anything about what it’s like when a person leaves a cult or a cult-like community, it’s really hard. You lose your entire community, your friends and family. You lose your culture. And I’ve got a pretty best-case scenario for this sort of thing. I am not part of mainstream white culture (I obviously still have white privilege and white culty people still teach their kids shitty stereotypes and other racist and harmful things – this is not what I’m referring to). I was raised in isolation, part of a group “separate and apart from the world.” I.e. I don’t know much about regular “white kid” stuff and have a hard time relating to “worldy” people (everyone who isn’t SDA). I have no culture and I’ve lost a large portion of my family. And being a Canadian living in the USA and being married to a black American man just gives me lots of things to not relate to and further isolate me from other people. I don’t even share a culture with my husband (although, oddly enough, he was raised by SDA parents as well, but he was never immersed in it). I’ve left the community and the culture that’s been familiar to me my entire life. the “world” is a weird and “other” place to me. I wasn’t just raised to other people of marginalized groups; I was raised to other any person who wasn’t SDA. I was raised to feel prejudice towards everyone for entirely different reasons than regular white people…
I don’t call a drink by its name, I literally call every drink “alcohol” and a six pack still sticks out in my fridge as something “bad” that’s not supposed to be there.
On top of all that, being FULLY immersed in and then leaving the SDA church has caused me to develop Religious Trauma Syndrome and it sucks.
For those of you that are wondering why i’m putting so much of my personal life and story and shit just out there – I have no one to talk to about this. There are not a lot of stories of fully immersed Seventh-day Adventists not only leaving the church, but leaving Christianity entirely. (In fact, I’ve yet to find any… even my dad still believes in God in some way) SDA is an intense and extreme sect of Christianity. Most that leave simply move into non-denominational or liberal denominations. They’re still people that would reject me for being a witch or a sex worker. I’m putting my shit out in the open like this because I want people who have had similar experiences to be able to find it.
Obviously this is not my entire story. I could write a book talking about all this shit…
If you or someone you know has or is currently experiencing something like this, you’re more than welcome to talk to me. I would actually really like it if you did, because I still feel really alone here…